Here we are, a full 10 months since I last posted ... and it is time to catch up and to offer what words of encouragement I can - to you and to myself. As I struggled through last winter, deep in debt, and vowed to do everything in my power to stay focused on my practice, I asked for help. I was literally journaling about needing help, needing a second reliable income, when a call came through about a temporary job opportunity, full time, in a corporate cubicle. FULL TIME. IN A CUBICLE. A CORPORATE ONE. I know, right? What the heck, Jenny? But it was for 12 weeks, and I figured I could do just about anything for 12 weeks. I figured it would start the money energy flowing, and I figured it was the Universe answering my plea...so who was I to dictate the form in which my answer came?
Well, Gentle Reader, I should have dictated a little. I can see that now. For these have been dark days indeed! I've lost time, I've lost income, I've lost clients, and I've really just lost my way. I've lost my will to get up in the morning and my clarity about who I am and what I'm worth. Today I was informed that my temp contract has been extended through the end of March, and I've decided to dictate a wee bit this time. I'm taking back a day, one weekday, one way or another. I owe it to you and to myself. I owe it to Juniper Healing Arts, which means so much to me. If they "terminate" me for not being available full time after the first of the year, I will just have to trust that I'll find something else. Something perhaps more flexible, more respectful, more rewarding. I'd actually like to not be an employee again. I'd like to find something else I can do as a small business owner or freelancer, some other skill that would be useful to someone in a part time way. Because working for myself makes me happiest.
And you know what? I want to be that guy. I want to be the person that stayed with it, that found happiness and success by knowing themselves and choosing a career that fit. Quitting my 'secure' full time job (which no longer exists! oh the irony!) and going back to school was the riskiest and best thing I've ever done. It is the biggest thing I've ever done, the strongest commitment I've made, aside from adopting my dear old hound. Both were things I was strongly cautioned against, and both - along with my relationship with Dan - have brought the deepest meaning to my adult life.
So when someone tells you not to do it, call me. When they tell you it can't be done, that it's irresponsible, that no one likes their job and you should be grateful you have an income, and the economy and the cost of milk and blah blah blah, I'll be excited for you. You know that thing that you love, the thing you're really good at? Do it. Try it. I am guessing that very few people look back on their lives and think, "You know that thing that I loved and was really good at? I wish I hadn't tried it. I should've stayed doing that other thing that I didn't like. At that place where I felt unhappy. Even though it was perfectly ill-suited, I'm glad I spent my whole work life and so many of my waking hours doing that." (Um, no.)
Because I did quit, because I pursued something I suspected I would love and be good at - am pursuing it - people often tell me what they dream of doing. Their secret calling. And I say to them: do it do it do it. Is it easy? No. Is it scary? You bet. Are there real consequences if you aren't an immediate financial success? Yes indeed. Is it big? The biggest. Will you freak out financially and question your sanity and the very meaning of life? Quite likely.
But is it who you are? If it is, how can you not try it? How can you keep yourself from it? If you don't love it, don't do it. If you're not that good at it, skip it. But if you love it and are good at it, if you think you could and could be, do yourself a favor. Do the Universe a favor! We need you. Look to people that are doing totally unexpected and awesome things and supporting themselves with interesting jobs. Make a list! Who inspires you with their work? Who is making a living by being who they are?
I want to be that guy. And I'm quite disgusted with myself for taking and keeping this job for so long. That might be the worst of it, the existential guilt and anxiety. The sense that I've betrayed myself and my kindreds. Because though I've been looking for other work, and though I've continued practicing, I am so much less available, logistically and energetically. I'm exhausted and depressed, and that is not a good place from which to do healing, restorative work.
So I'm taking back a day. Or else I'll be terminated (such dramatic language!) and have allllll my time back. And then I must figure something else out! There is really no way to lose, I guess. Leapy leap leap. I won $10 on a scratch-off tonight, so I'm clearly ON MY WAY. haha
Does anyone know of any interesting part time work? Does anyone need someone to organize their paperwork and life? Does anyone need a massage or a holiday gift? :) Hit me up.
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